I am sure we all inflict this on ourselves, maybe just once or twice, perhaps for a lifetime.
Destroying or damaging parts of our own lives because we have unresolved issues, often with ourselves. We are too scared to try in case we get hurt, betrayed, humiliated, even hated.
This is something I definitely do but I think I’ve come to the point where I can mostly recognise it now when it is happening. It has typically happened when I’ve been doing poly dating: I tend to be attracted to people I cannot date. They are either not interested in me, or are monogamous, or simply aren’t good for me in that they are too busy for the sort of expectations I place on that relationship dynamic or they have other factors in their lives that would mean we would not be a good fit even in a monogamous relationshop let alone polyamory. The people who tend to be attracted to me… I’m not attracted to them, or for other reasons as stated above–we just wouldn’t work well together and that wouldn’t be fair on us or any others we played with or had relationships with.
A further matter I’ve discovered: I tend to feel heightened feelings of inferiority to the people I’m attracted to. Now I think this is due to me being so attracted to them and thinking they are too good for me, which is not an unusual way of feeling while dating and seeing people. I tend to feel like if I don’t have these feelings of inferiority I shouldn’t be pursuing them because I feel that would be settling, due to the fact that I don’t fancy them as much because of this lack of inferiority? Which is quite honestly bullshit! But I’ve conditioned myself into thinking this and have been doing it continously for the past two-and-a-half years.
It’s something I’m definitely working on and probably will for a long, long time. The inferiority issues tend to be more prominent with female-presenting people, rather than male (I’m not too sure why that is!) but as I’m learning to be more Panda and less whatever people think I need to be or should be (hello BPD!), I feel more confident that things will sway more in the direction I’m after sooner or later.