Self-Sabotage [002]

I am sure we all inflict this on ourselves, maybe just once or twice, perhaps for a lifetime.

Self-sabotage.

Destroying or damaging parts of our own lives because we have unresolved issues, often with ourselves. We are too scared to try in case we get hurt, betrayed, humiliated, even hated.

This is something I definitely do but I think I’ve come to the point where I can mostly recognise it now when it is happening. It has typically happened when I’ve been doing poly dating: I tend to be attracted to people I cannot date. They are either not interested in me, or are monogamous, or simply aren’t good for me in that they are too busy for the sort of expectations I place on that relationship dynamic or they have other factors in their lives that would mean we would not be a good fit even in a monogamous relationshop let alone polyamory. The people who tend to be attracted to me… I’m not attracted to them, or for other reasons as stated above–we just wouldn’t work well together and that wouldn’t be fair on us or any others we played with or had relationships with.

A further matter I’ve discovered: I tend to feel heightened feelings of inferiority to the people I’m attracted to. Now I think this is due to me being so attracted to them and thinking they are too good for me, which is not an unusual way of feeling while dating and seeing people. I tend to feel like if I don’t have these feelings of inferiority I shouldn’t be pursuing them because I feel that would be settling, due to the fact that I don’t fancy them as much because of this lack of inferiority? Which is quite honestly bullshit! But I’ve conditioned myself into thinking this and have been doing it continously for the past two-and-a-half years.

It’s something I’m definitely working on and probably will for a long, long time. The inferiority issues tend to be more prominent with female-presenting people, rather than male (I’m not too sure why that is!) but as I’m learning to be more Panda and less whatever people think I need to be or should be (hello BPD!), I feel more confident that things will sway more in the direction I’m after sooner or later.

~Panda xo

Incorrectly Labeled Panda [001]

I’ve sort of learned that we are too complex to place in a neatly labeled box, having to remain in that box and cater our feelings, wants, and needs only to the parameters of that box. The need to belong, assign myself to a group of people where I may find some sense of fulfilment and “home”, is very prevalent in the BDSM scene, and in most sub-cultures that aren’t particularly mainstream. Panda Happenings has been partly inspired to look at my own box, pull off the tape and poke at the cardboard, peeling off the label as well as that weird sticky residue left behind that you can’t always get rid off. Also, partly inspired to try to reconnect myself to the D/s dynamic I share with my Dominant, to kickstart me into doing kink more regularly, as well as encouraging me to take advantage of new opportunities with new people.

I feel able to don the garb of many labels and “roles”, but in the effort of not dwelling on what I should or should not, or even can or cannot do, because of some silly label, I am happy to leave the boxes behind and be Panda! My Daddy is many things, in terms of roles on the scene: Dom, Daddy, Sadist, Dominant, Rigger, Brat, even Middle… but ultimately he is Daddy and couldn’t be that person in my life without all of his many facets that include vanilla life.

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The biggest part of my issue with D/s, I discovered recently, is the potential to fail. No, no, no… Pandas can’t fail, especially not this one. If I tried I might FAIL, which meant that after the first few months of our relationship, after he developed some health issues that meant he wasn’t able to be as “on the ball” with our D/s, I just… stopped trying. I blamed my health, my fatigue, my pain, my anxiety, my living situation (while some of this did hinder my abilities and continues to do so, I didn’t find other ways in which to submit or engage with my Dom, erring on what felt safe but, ultimately, unfulfilling and sabotaging to me and my partner). I abandoned all consistency in our dynamic, unhappy with what was happening but unable to make myself do anything to change that. What if I failed? Eighteen months later, I had my epiphany that I was avoiding our dynamic in case I was a disappointment, in case I wasn’t good enough, in case I was displeasing and worthless as a submissive and a partner.

Neuroses, man. /Sigh

I had stopped trying to engage in a dynamic. Except for sex or play. For perhaps eighteen months of our relationship, we had a “bedroom only” dynamic for all intents and purposes, though we convinced ourselves otherwise. Again, part of me wondered if that was okay for us? We began our relationship with the intent of a D/s dynamic lifestyle, as and when applicable for us personally. Again, I fell prey to the pesky demon-librarian of labels and roles… “A real submissive does x, y & z for her Dominant.” “A real little wouldn’t do that during sex!” “A real masochist wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable at the thought of that!”

I think recently I realised… I’m a real Panda. Those other things, those labels, do not amount to the sum of a Panda, and they can’t. Nor should I expect them to. Daddy has never held my worth in the sum of what label I slap on, or behaviours I imitate in order to be more A, B or C.

This post can be summed up to say that: Labels suck and don’t cling to them, ‘kay, kids? Ta.

~Panda xo